The irrelevance of being a housewife

“So, what are you doing?” enquired an acquaintance to my friend, in askance, that almost made her see red. I have always noticed that this happens to her whenever such a question is posed.  She cringes and tries to avoid answering it or simply changes the topic. But by the looks of the situation, there seemed no escape but to reply to the question. “Well..... I’m a housewife... er..... a homemaker,” She mumbled in an almost apologetic tone. The acquaintance smirked, “Why aren’t you doing anything?” It seemed like she knew what was coming through and I could see her pity herself at the irrelevance of being a housewife.

“This is the umpteenth time I’m asked as to why I am not doing anything. So looking after the house, cooking, overlooking the expenses and yet saving up to buy that drool worthy object, bringing up children, taking their lessons, teaching them to be good human beings, tending when family members are sick........and the list goes on, is not doing anything?  Probably, you are worthy only if you are ...well... working... a salary, a position in an esteemed organization, a fancy designation -something like a business enabler... whatever that means. It does not matter where you are placed in the organisational hierarchy. Working is equated with doing something fruitful otherwise you are just whiling away your time.” Phew! That was some talk! I wanted to suggest that she join some place where she can give lectures, but looking at the situation, I thought it would be wise to just shut up!

She continued, “One of my friends was called to give a lecture in a prestigious institution and it is a topic on which I could have waxed eloquent. But the reason I was left out was just one..... You are not working, are you? So how could somebody introduce a housewife to an audience ... ‘Ladies and gentlemen.... this is so-and- so, a housewife’? Do you think the audience would sustain interest? Na...aah... Again in an alumni meet, only ‘achievers’ were invited. Me??? Are you joking? Do they want to tell the audience – here is such and such person.... a... well... a housewife? I think it is high time that housewives too demand salaries for the thankless jobs that they keep doing day in and day out... and that too without any perks!”

I could see that she has a point here. I have always wondered as to why a housewife is not invited to speak on... let’s say... “How to keep up the morale while doing thankless jobs” or “how to remain happy in no-go situations” or “how to deal with household stress”.... One can go on and on. That’s when I hit upon an idea which I conveyed to my friend.

Now whenever anybody asks her what she is doing, she says very confidently that she is a manager, a part time instructor, a life coach, consultant and her hobbies include reading, cooking, painting and designing the interiors. It goes without saying that she gets impressive glances. I’m sure that someday she’ll be invited to deliver a lecture on how she handles so many designations with ease!

Honesty is the best policy....so they say!

Right from my childhood, I had been fed with stories from mythology about honesty and how it works in one’s favour, even though one has to face innumerable hurdles in life. So impressed was I with those stories that I decided I will remain honest in my entire life.  Honest people always went to heaven, you see, and the dishonest ones were deep fried in hot oil in the hell! (Imagine fried politicians sprinkled with coriander leaves and topped with chilli sauce). Ok, so my mission in life was to be honest at all times, even on the face of adversity!

So carried away was I with the ‘be honest’ policy that I never thought that I would fall out of favour with most people. I remember the day when my friend had bought a brand new dress. In her excitement she wore it and showed it to me. According to me it had very gaudy print and loud colours and to be ‘honest’, it did not suit her a bit. I blurted out the truth, and I had to face her wrath for days to come. She stopped talking to me. ‘How dare you behave so rudely with me?’ she questioned, when I confronted her. ‘Is being honest akin to being rude?’ I wondered.  After that incident, she became very careful of showing me anything, lest I, in my zest for honesty, tell her something that she does not like. Yet the scatterbrain that I am, I refused to learn a lesson. I believed that ‘honesty is the best policy’ and such incidents are just a hurdle on the way to heaven.  The traffic cop does not like me. I insisted on a receipt. The passport officer does not like me. I refused him his chai-pani.  Friends are a little wary of me.  Things came to a high when an acquaintance accused me of being an egotist.  

Strange are the ways of the mind!  We want to hear only good things about ourselves, even if it is far away from the truth.  We don’t want to know ‘what is’. Rather we happily slide in the cocoon of falsity and wrong notions about ourselves and remain there for the rest of our lives. The moment someone tries to gently remove the cobwebs from our mind, all hell breaks loose. We curse and accuse that person of being too frank.  Slowly things started to dawn upon me. I realised that by being honest I had made more enemies than friends. Though this realization came in a tad late, isn’t it better late than never?  Things like honesty, truth are values that exist only in mythologies. I should have known it!  To expect these things in actual life is like expecting to have the moon all for you. It is not that it does not exist, but it is a rare breed. Is it a wonder then that honesty is never appreciated in this country?  So when the innumerable chamcha hoardings, heaping praises on a politician’s ‘achievements’ adorn our public places, it is just a way of showing how honest is an enthusiastic wannabe to his boss. Saying good things in public definitely is a way to garner more support, isn’t it?

So, I realised that just being point blank honest is not good for my emotional health at all. Calling a spade, a spade, is not going to help. I need to call a spade, a spear, sometimes. I need to speak what others want to hear. It is just an art of serving the juice of bitter gourd in a beautiful silver cup. I might as well learn this art fast or else be doomed to be faced with resentment, and also be branded as arrogant, ignorant, stupid fool. People don’t like honesty in its stark naked avatar. Honesty be damned!  

So now, slowly but surely, I have learnt to talk in the manner everyone wants to hear it. All those talks of having true friends, if you are honest, is humbug.  I want friends, true or false. Now I make it a point to praise everyone I come across, whether I like it or not. And the results are here to see! People have started liking me. They now call me very friendly and warm. I am finally learning the ropes of the trade. So much for honesty! Well, I had been a fool to believe in all those stories. But surely the heavens by now must have understood the way the earthlings work and pave my easy passage there. After all I was once a keen believer in honesty!

The unquestioning Indian

History says that India, in the past 5000 years has not attacked any country. On the contrary, it has been time and again invaded by foreign powers, only to have got absorbed in this melting pot of diverse cultures, languages, customs, cuisine etc. Poets have sung paeans in praise of this land. The song 'jahan daal daal par sone ki chidiya karti hai basera, woh Bharat desh hai mera', is supposed to be aptly describing this country. But if we close our eyes for a moment and go back in history, we would actually be struggling to find this 'sone ki chidiya'. Then have we been taken for a ride and made to believe that such a time did exist? Have we been betrayed? We might fumble for answers but one thing becomes very clear that this land is no more a land of great virtue and morals that we are so used to hearing. In fact we find ourselves staring mutely at corruption, scandals, black money and other immoral activities that are so unbecoming of a land that takes pride in its glorious past.

So what ails this nation? Why is it that we are steeped in corruption? Where is the country that our freedom fighters had envisioned for us? If we look closely we'll find that the answer lies in the fact that we have, for centuries, been trained to accept things unconditionally, because questioning is a serious offence here. The land subjected to so many attacks by outsiders has weathered it and made it submissive to its fate, so much so that we do not question even if there is violation of our basic right. One is not supposed to hurt the ego of the person in power. As children, how many times have we been asked by the elders to do a certain thing in a certain way without asking questions? The same attitude has seeped into us as adults and we go about the grind, without questioning. We are not encouraged to ask. We are encouraged only to act.

When we grease the palms of the officials, our main priority is to get our work done. Damn the others! Do we stop and question ourselves whether we are doing the right thing? We talk about morals and ethics that our culture teaches. But where does it go when the wrong doing is from our side? The answer is simple - we are too scared to fight for what is rightfully ours. We seriously need a reality check before we preach others what our culture stands for. How many of us can say that we haven't bribed anybody till now to get our work done, not paid donations to get our children admitted to school, not paid black money to the builder while buying a house? I am sure the numbers would be just a handful and these people would be still going around in circles in frustration. We know that we are safe if we turn a blind eye to what has been happening around us. Who wants to get involved in these problems? Survival itself is a headache here. Who has time for the society? The roads are ridden with potholes, but we do not question anybody where our tax money goes. Corrupt officials loot this country, but we do not question how they amassed such a wealth. Cheaters and murderers are our politicians, but we do not question, how they got to fill the nomination papers. Whistle blowers are killed, but we do not question what is being done to bring the culprits to book. Statues are being erected using people's money, but we do not question why the villages do not have proper roads, electricity, schools and basic medical facilities. Farmers are committing suicides, but we go about our work as though they are not a part of this society. We have just become unquestioning Indians stuck in a vicious circle of lies and more lies and the situation has reached such a level that we are now unable to face ourselves.

On what basis do we say 'Mera Bharat Mahan'? We are only reveling in the past that is dead and gone. We have cleverly wrapped the stark naked present in a coloured cloak of glorified past, because that is only way we can feel happy. We are actually scared to face the truth. This is because if we speak the truth all of us will be affected in one way or the other and nobody wants that. We are a society full of frightened individuals and rightly so, going by the history of people been killed who dared to challenge the fraudsters. This is the reason why we have a laid back attitude. We are very well aware of what is happening around us, but we have chosen to remain helpless. The system is becoming rotten by the day and we are the ones responsible for it. But we do not want to accept responsibility. What we do is simply submit ourselves to fate and look heavenwards for a messiah to come and hand over deliverance in a packet!

Then is there hope? We can affect change in the society only if we resolve to change ourselves. Of course it is easier said than done. Coming out of this never ending circle of lies and deception is going to take enormous effort from our side, but it has to begin somewhere. The movement of Anna Hazare has no doubt gained momentum; the reason is collective frustration of the people, which has been boiling in the insides like lava and threatening to erupt for a long time. Yes, we need to express this frustration and in Anna we have seen that messiah. But unless we resolve to change ourselves, no amount of Annas could bring about a change in the society. There is a general feeling that Anna has a golden sparrow in his hand; and the Jan Lokpal Bill is a magic document. Now, everybody is riding on this new found wave of patriotism. But if we do not get what has been promised, then what? Maybe we'll just go back being our old selves. And even if some version of the Lokpal bill is passed, would we stop for a moment to ask if things are working smoothly? We need to come out of this mold of being an unquestioning Indian and start looking within us, questioning ourselves, and search for answers within. Until then we do not have any business saying 'Mera Bharat Mahan'.

Narcissist fare

Narcissus, the handsome youth in the Greek mythology, had never seen himself in a mirror. So when he happened to look into a lake, he fell in love with his reflection, not knowing that it was his own image. So obsessed he became that he died pining for it. Little did he know that in modern times, his very name would denote a personality trait. We all have a little narcissist tendency in us. Well, that's normal. It is not a crime to love oneself, but a sane person would never allow it to become an object of obsession.

Now, in these times of incessant media bombardment for products ranging from diapers to cars, how can one escape from not being attracted to them? We come across people in our daily lives, highly pre-occupied with self-admiration, and mask their lack of self-esteem, behind a veil of boisterous talks, to the point that others might find it irritating, tiring or even hilarious. This obsession is further fuelled by companies who go to any lengths to portray an unrealistic picture, to push their sales. So in such an environment, how can one remain unaffected? The pester power that children wield has greatly helped the advertisers to laugh all the way to the bank. The pressure to possess the latest gadgets or follow a latest trend is immense. Or else there is that fear of being branded as outdated. And nobody likes that! So is it my fault if I become a narcissist? Why, even the friend's pet dog wants to go to the salon for grooming!

How is easy it has become to be obsessed with something! It feels nice to wear a brand, but to become a slave of brands is something else. The page 3 scenario is abuzz with activities and excitement. How can I help if it makes me feel left out, incomplete and unwanted? The celebrity culture is thrust upon us. If an actress repeats a dress, it makes headlines as though the economy of the country depends upon it. Every celebrity has jumped into the charity bandwagon. What would've happened to all the orphans, mentally and physically challenged kids, without the celebrities making an appearance with them? Aren't they really blessed? Whether there is a launch of a certain brand, or a film is about to be released or for the sake of publicity, these celebrities seem to don many feathers in their hats. Sigh! It makes me aware of being a lesser mortal. The air-brushed photographs of 40 something actresses make any twenty some things feel ashamed of themselves. The cosmetic surgeons have never had a better time. So who is to be blamed if the acquaintance’s daughter wants that Angelina Jolie pout? Certainly not she!

And then how can we leave out the politicians. Any road or a bridge cannot be thrown open to the public, without the local leader not inaugurating it. After all he was behind the very construction of it! And then how about taking credit for anything and everything that has turned out well and washing hands off something that raises concern? How many times we find people in power throwing their attitude around even if they have committed a mistake with a ‘you-don’t-know-who-I-am’ look? Well, you should know that they survive on the staple diet of flattery. Are they responsible for their behaviour? We all know the answer

Still unaffected by all the things happening around you? Great! Its time you went to the forest to meditate. After all, this world is maya (a highly misinterpreted term)! And for all those who would like to survive this game called life, here is the secret recipe;

Ingredients: 1 cup arrogance, 2 cups exaggeration, 1 tablespoon indifferent attitude, 3 tablespoons non-empathy, shamelessness as required, thankless attitude for garnishing.

Method: Mix a little arrogance with exaggeration, add to it an indifferent attitude, grind these with a non-empathetic stance towards others, and sprinkle it with talks as though others are waiting only to listen to you. Stir well. Finally garnish it with thanklessness. And voila.... you get a perfect narcissist fare. Serve it to others with a shameless attitude. Can serve any number of people.

Psychology of anger

"Aaaa......eeeee", a shrill sound pierced the air. The woman in blue had caught hold of another woman by her hair, who in turn twisted her tormentor's wrist. Some came to separate the two, while others just watched the scene out of curiosity. Verbal abuses flowed freely. No, this is not some film shooting, but a real life scene in the 9.30 a.m. crowded Mumbai local. Anger, being the dominant mood at this hour of the day, no one has the patience or time to listen to others.

So we come to our question, ‘what makes us angry?’ Are we angry because of fear? Fear of losing a beloved one, fear of losing a job, fear of not having achieved something bigger, fear of losing money, fear of complacency, fear of facing tomorrow.... we have no idea of what all we fear from. The list is endless. Or are we angry because others have achieved more than us, others seem happier than us, others have more friends than us or others seem to enjoy life more than us? Or is it because we cry over missed opportunities, over life having slipped away from our fingers, over wrong choices we make? Or is the anger directed on someone whom we squarly blame for the situation we are in? Whatever the case may be, there is some anger in everybody which manifests in different forms. Everyone is supremely engrossed in his or her own life and the stress associated with it.

Generally we come across two categories of people, each on the opposite end of the poles. There are the ones who are perpetually angry and make a noise even if the speed breaker is just lying there, mutely. They don’t make it to an event on time because their speed was rudely cut short by that dumb wall-of a speed breaker. They are angry because there is too much or too less work in the office or their assistant is not capable enough. They are also angry because the Indian cricket team did not win the match or that the players are spoilt dirty that they don’t deserve to win. They are angry at the government policies, the bureaucracy and red-tapism, the corruption at the grass root level and its general apathy towards the betterment of the country. They are angry at the lackadaisical attitude of the people of this country to take-on the government head-on and teach a lesson. They are angry because the mosquito bit them! The mosquito had no business behaving in this manner. Phew..!! That makes for a long list. Such people are forever angry and antagonize others with their behaviour.

Then there the people who can hardly be provoked into losing their cool. For them everything happens because it was predestined to happen. It was designed that way. They have no control over it. So nothing pretty much affects them. These are the ones who are so calm that it makes others around them furious, because Mr. Cool is never angry at anything. Even if they are treated like a foot mat, they don’t bother. Only when the cauldron is full, that the anger comes flowing out like red hot lava. God forbid if that happens! For, hell hath no fury than a calm person scorned!

And then there is this justification for anger. It is always the other person who is wrong. But when we are wrong, are we bold enough to accept our mistakes? No! This non-acceptance gives rise to more anger and we see everybody around us seething with fury. When we take the larger picture, anger has been responsible for the destruction of civilizations.

Anger or ‘raudra’ as a 'rasa' is given a predominant importance, in Sanskrit dramatics, by Bharat muni, in his treatise ‘Natyasastra’. Thus we find anger in creativity too! All said and done, anger is the mainstay in humans, for it is anger that needles us to achieve those seemingly impossible tasks. Constructive anger does lead us to glory but destructive anger is all gory. 

Paranormal activity

Has anybody seen ghosts? There are people who say that they have heard about some unnatural incidents happening in their vicinity and credit it to be the handiwork of a ghost. Yet most of us draw a blank when asked to describe a ghost. The imaginative ones give descriptions like a ghost with sharp teeth and claws, spitting blood, or a face that is ugly and scarred beyond recognition. The more conservative ones generally like to believe that ghosts look like the ones portrayed in Hindi films- white saree, loose hair, carrying a candle and singing a melodious song. But no one knows it for sure, whether ghosts are for real or not. Still the fear remains.

This incident happened when I was in class X. Burning the midnight oil had become a norm as board exams were approaching. On one such night I heard a faint humming sound which became more distinct in a couple of minutes. I looked at the clock. It was 12 midnight. My heart skipped a beat. Ghost! That was the first thing that crossed my mind. I shut my eyes and held my hand tightly over my ears. Within minutes the humming sound had subsided, but it was enough to give me the creeps. Distracted from my study routine, I went to bed. Next day the same sound made itself heard at the same time and this continued for another two days.

By the fifth day I had gotten used to it and mustered enough courage to find out who was behind this nocturnal activity. When the humming sound began doing its rounds, my curiosity got the better of me. I tip-toed near the door and without making much noise, opened it, very little. To my surprise and horror, the sound almost immediately stopped and I could not find anyone outside. I was gripped with fear. Shutting the door quickly, I ran inside. Now I was sure that it had to be a ghost. Why else would the sound stop? I was shivering at the thought that ghosts really existed and that it had come to haunt me. Having heard from all my known sources that ghosts generally venture into human civilization at midnight, I had no reasons to dismiss this as a baseless phobia. To add more fright to my already terrified mind, my neighbour said, “Be careful. Do you know that some years back a lady staying in the opposite building was charred to death? Her stove had burst while cooking. People say that it could be she who could be going around.” That was it! I panicked. From that day on I refused to even go to the other room without anyone for company. The fear of the unknown is far greater than the fear of the known! 

Humans, for ages, not understanding why certain things happen, have attributed it to ghosts and resorted to many rituals and practices to keep them at bay. Vampires, Draculas, demons, witches, magic, and every paranormal phenomenon have been looked upon as something which exists in a world not known to us. This fear of the unknown has captured our imaginations. Every civilization has its own belief. There is voodoo practice prevalent in Africa. India has tantrik babas swearing by their wizardry to drive the ghosts away. In recent times, we have the Harry Potter and the Twilight series. They are such a hit, as they take on magic, ghosts and everything unknown, with a great aplomb, that one seriously starts wondering what if such a world really existed. But then reason starts denying it. We know that our fear is our ghost and as long as this fear exists, ghosts will exist. We do not know of any world other than this terra-ferma, but our mind still keeps imagining things. We are only muggles, after all!

Any incident beyond our comprehension becomes a ghostly act. So this humming sound became a ghostly melody. By the way, coming back to the sound I had heard years back, did I tell you that it was actually an old Nepali mountain song that our night watchman was humming, before going on his hourly rounds?

Chain reaction

"This year July has 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years. This is called money bags. So send this on to 6 friends and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese mythology the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year. It won't cost you much for that 6 text."


This is the text of an SMS; I received from a friend, who apparently seemed to have been taken in by what the message had to say. Immediately I got a call from her telling me not to break the chain and forward it to 6 people, except her. I decided to check the facts myself. Yes, the calendar showed that the month of July in the year 2011 indeed has 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. 'Hmmm....', I thought, 'so this happens every 823 years.' So what? "Do you know that this spells luck? You could become rich," she said excitedly. Really? I'm blessed! No thanks. I don't want such riches!

But then, does a little more money hurt anyone? Of course not! Now 823 years is a long time and who knows maybe I'm the chosen one. Maybe there is a windfall in store. And imagine it is just on the finger tip! Well... no harm in sending the message. Who knows, I might just end up with some riches in 5 days flat! So I sent the SMS to 6 'fortunate' friends. Maybe, just maybe, I could now dream of something big. Like what? Like.... ummm.... ok let me get the money first. I don't want to get too big for my boots. Hehe....Moron! But what the heck! Who is going to come and peep into my dreams? My dreams are my own, isn't it?

But the question now popped up - How is the money going to arrive? Ummmm... let's see. Maybe a lottery is the solution. In came a bundle of lotteries of different sizes and varying prize money. I hid them under the bed, lest anyone sees it. See... if I hit the jackpot, I'll announce it proudly. If not I need not tell anyone about it, and throw it out, quietly. In fact, the door bell now did not irritate me, as it used to before, inviting suspicious glances from family members. What? Can't a person be in a cheerful mood, for a change? Never mind them! Secretly, I was expecting a will from a distant departed relative, bequeathing to me, a large fortune. I also thought about digging up the open patch in front of my house. Ok, ok, I know that it is too much of an inconceivable idea.

Now, I actually began to look forward to gaining wealth. In fact the suspense was beginning to kill me. I could not wait for the 5 days to pass. But what if.... I don't get anything? It is ok. I just tried my luck! I am not losing anything. Anyway, the stipulated time passed and nothing happened. I checked and rechecked the papers for my lucky number. 'NO LUCK', screamed back the paper. And neither did the expected will arrive. What heartbreak! All my dreams were shattered to smithereens! 'Control yourself', I told myself sternly. 'You did not believe in this hocus-pocus, initially, right? Now throw those goddamn tickets, before you make a fool of yourself.' I just did that. I knew it! It is the handy work of those crooked mobile service providers. They must have triggered this chain reaction to earn good money. "How could I have fallen for this?" I thought loudly. Shhhh.... not so loud. Someone might hear this!